Timmy’s Girl

Timmy had spotted her in a department store while shopping for socks.  She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.  She seemed shy, demure even, with strawberry blonde hair.  Timmy was smitten, he had to know her name.  It didn’t take long for the besotted fellow to found out either.  Her name was Tammy.  Now Tammy was not a name he had thought of as enchanting before, now he did.  He’d say her name over and over again, and smile.  Eventually Timmy pluck up the courage to ask her out.  This was the beginning of a whirlwind romance that was kept a secret until his Mum found out.  She walked in on them one night.  The tension it created was awful, Timmy’s Mum didn’t approve. And she was not a woman known to change her mind, no matter how hard you tried.  So the lovebirds planned to elope.  But about this time things started to go wrong.  Timmy had started to suspect she was not being entirely honest with him.  They argued incessantly.  Sadly these arguments started to get physical and he hit her on many occasions.  One day the rage in him was so great, he attacked her with a baseball bat, he broke one her arms and legs and caused her face to cave in.  She didn’t die of course, as she was never actually alive, she was a mannequin.  But still the moment was a sad one for Timmy. 

Though being the resourceful sort of man he is, he got over it, and is now seeing a lovely brunette from the Selfridge’s window display.  His mother still doesn’t approve.        

Published in: on February 11, 2008 at 3:02 pm Leave a Comment

The Man who owned a Spike Milligan gene

There was a man who owned a Spike Milligan gene.  It was a very rare item indeed.  Some say that only five are still in existence.  Though there is no official record that can prove or disprove this.  The man that owned this particular Spike Milligan gene had hoped that by owning it, he would swiftly become famous, amassing a sizeble fortune.  Alas this is not how it panned out.  It seems that the Milligan gene had become something of a curse for the unwitting man. 

Every since he found the gene, he’s life had gone from normal every day gloominess to unbearable misery.  Why? I sense you wonder.  Well, again the records are pretty hazy, but from what we could piece together, there’s the suggestion that he had become far too funny.  It was clear he’s comedic skills had been fairly non-existent before.  But once in possession of the gene, he couldn’t stop being humourous.  When people were around him, they would laugh non-stop.  So much so that it caused their stomachs to hurt. This in effect caused people to keep their distance from him.  His wife and kids had to leave the country to maintain some sort of normal existence.

This enforced isolation eventually drove the man insane.  Records show the man was found in a Earls Court bedsit on Friday 7th April 1989 with his trousers round his ankles, clutching a banana skin in each hand and a clown mask over his head.  The autopsy report said he had died of suffocation.  Their verdict was that it was an accidental death.

There have been no reported sightings of the Spike Milligan gene since the death of the man. 

Published in: on February 9, 2008 at 4:49 pm Leave a Comment