Day 1
I’m in my new home. It’s a bedsit in a old buiding, the floor boards creak. The icy cold weather has made the condensation in the room rampant. My guess is it won’t take long for everything to begin to smell mouldy and feel damp.
The landlord dropped by today. He wanted to see if I settled in ok. He says I can call him Jasper. He goes on to explain he’s a ladies’ man, he collects women like some collect stamps. He follows them from the bars and clubs, and when the opportunity arises he shrinks them to the size of thimbles, and then sews then into the lining of his jacket. Not sure I believe everything Jasper tells me. Though in the awkward silences, in-between our slurps of tea, I’m pretty sure I can hear the faint sound of women sobbing.
Day 2
I woke up early today. For the first time in a long while, I feel positively happy. Then I remember who I am and where I am. I need a purpose. Not sure where I can find it. Might settle for a second-hand TV instead.
I think I heard scratching sounds coming from the walls today.
Day 3
Took to staring at my toenails for a good 45mins. There pretty long and really quite repulsive. I felt nauseous after the starathon. How do I every hope to meet the woman of my dreams, or any woman at that, with toenails as hideous as these. I tell myself it makes me unique, and this can only ever be a good thing. I’m not convinced.
The scratching sounds from the walls were louder today. I’m not looking forward to the day that mystery unfolds.
Day 4
A quizzical infant about 3ft in height, knocked on the door today. He was carrying a bible under one arm, and a bowling bag in the other. He explained the Led Zeppelin track I continual play is annoying the neighbours. According to the infant, I must stop such behaviour, or I will tempt the wrath of god to act unkindly towards me. In the meantime, I could pay penance if I just purchase some tea towels and dish cloths that he has brought with him. I feel awkward, so I give him a fiver and take three tea towels, each with a different floral design.
Day 5
I now know the cause of the scratching sounds coming from the wall. It’s Cockroaches. Though they like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Their light blue, and look almost translucent. I ring Jasper about it. He doesn’t sound surprised. He’s had this problem many times before. There ghost roaches, real buggers to get rid of. He’ll call the ghost pest control company in the morning. I can hear a strange slurping sound in the background as he talks, followed by loud crunching sounds. He hangs up without saying goodbye.
Day 6
I get woken up by a heavy knock on the door at 7.40am. It’s the Ghost pest control man. He’s names Chopper and he’s an annoyingly chirper fella. I want to punch him, but I’m just too tired. I offer him a cup of tea instead.
